Dave Bidini on Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger: Will he buy her a stairway to heaven?

In which Dave Bidini imagines the post-engagement conversation between the Sk8er Boi singer and Nickelback frontman:

Chad: So, Avril, you’re certain you wanna get married?

Avril: I’m a lady who’s sure.

Chad: Wonderful news. I imagine an epic estate wedding.

Avril: All that glitters will be gold!

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Chad: Real gold? Well, “Hero” was a few years ago. How about mock gold? Mock gold is still like, really nice.

Avril: But we’ll exchange gifts, yes? You’ll buy me a Stairway to Heaven?

Chad: If the stores aren’t closed. The stairway store. They have weird hours.

Avril: With a word you can get what you came for.

Chad: Maybe if I sing the word: “SHTAIRWAYYEEEEE!!”

Avril: Great, but there’s a sign on the wall that says NO REFUNDS, and, remember, sometimes words have two meanings.

Chad: You’re so wise, Avril, my little emo songbird. Sometimes I forget how my thoughts are misgiven.

Avril: That’s fine. Still, it makes me wonder …

Chad: Wonder what, my little snookums?

Avril: Well, you see, there’s this feeling I get when I look to the west.

Chad: And …

Avril: And my spirit is crying for leaving. You’re not gonna make us live with your parents in Hannah, are you?

Chad: Of course not, my angel of the AutoTune! These days, Hannah is mostly filled with the voices of those who stand looking. Besides, the local tire fire left all of these smoke rings through the trees. They’ve gotta do something about that. Should take a spray cannon to them.

Avril: What about music? I mean, we’ve gotta have music at the wedding.

Chad: What about pipers? I hear they’ll lead us to reason.

Avril: Yes! And the forests will echo with laughter. Provided we get married outside. You’re into that, arten’t you?

Chad: I see bustles! I see hedgerows! No problem, my sweet babboo. I’ll just have the May queen clear up the yard; a spring cleaning in the late fall. It’ll be perfect!

Avril: There’s still time to change the road you’re on.

Chad: No, no, dear. An outdoor wedding sounds great. Still, it makes me wonder …

Avril: Do tell, my tall goatte’ed prince of Grunge.

Chad: Well, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run …

Avril: Honey, I’m in it for the long run. Of that you can be sure.

Chad: It’s just that my head is humming and it won’t go. Although, admittedly, it could be the tinitus  …

Avril: Hold on a moment, dear, I’m getting a text. Oh, look: it’s the piper. He’s calling you to join him. He says 2 pm at Yoso’s. That work for you? He wants to talk repertoire.

Chad: Fine. Oh, wait. I’m also getting a text. It’s my personal assistant. She says that our stairway lies on “The Whispering Wind,” which is the name of the new stairway shop on Grand Street.

Avril: Oh Chad! This is gonna be the best wedding ever. I’ve always wanted a Stairway to Heaven!

Chad: She says to go see Carol. It’s a lady we all know, apparently. Maybe from high school?

Avril: That was a long time ago, my towering God of the Junos.

Chad: Right. But soon we will be one, my sweet Napanee nymph.

Avril: One is all, my dear.

Chad: Honey, you are a rock.

Avril: So are you.

Chad: A rock that doesn’t roll.

Avril: Well, I can’t stay off the road forever. Eventually, I’ll be back out there.

Chad: I will wind with you down the road.

Avril: Um, really?

Chad. Well, yes, of course.

Avril: It’s just that the bus, you know; it’s only so big.

Chad: Right.

Avril: Chad, the piper. You don’t wanna keep him waiting. Wind on down this road: University to Bloor. Then a right. Then a left. Talk about the music, the repertoire. I’m sure it will come to you at last.